Farewell 2010... You were good to me!

Is the last day of the year a mirror into the past, or an augury of what is to come?

"Open Book" (thanks to Dogfish Head 90)

I ponder my accomplishments and stumbles in 2010.

Life is a road.

I look back and see the speed bumps and the potholes that slowed me down to a crawl some days. The days when my energy level was at 0 and I stood in the shadow of a mountain while happiness was on the other side. Or the times when I was at the peak where rainbows originate and the sun saturates you with its rays, everything at my fingertips, and I was filled with ways to expand my world.

It is said the difference between craft and art is creativity. A definition of creativity is "the ability to transcend traditional ideas, forms, and methods through originality, and imagination." (I think I'm going to have to paint that on my wall!)

2010 brought around a revolution to my life, my relationship and my soul. I fell hard before my husband gave me the gift of understanding. He opened my cage and set me free ... free of guilt and remorse. He gave me carte blanche to explore who I am. The technical abilities and the creative abilities... (see...) you have to have both to be an artist; a person must have amazing ideas and the ability to execute them. I find myself with ideas swirling around my head but without the ability to put them to paper, canvas, wire or fabric. Traditional school is impossible ... even though we have the money, and I have the intelligence, I can't be sure that my mind will stay involved and cooperative through an entire semester. I finally realized that this isn't an excuse for not having a degree but a reality. My mind is something that I must embrace and work with. I have been fighting it all my life, but it is not something that I can bullhead my way through.
During the last half of 2010 I treated myself as someone that has the time and the money to pursue their passions. Why not... And if I focus on what I can control, I have a wonderfully creative life.

Here is to 2011... May each day bring us closer to our dreams!

Halloween to Thanksgiving and beyond

Its almost Thanksgiving and the holidays are already in full swing. I am actually doing well.. I love the cinnamon apple and nutmeg smells and honestly I don't even mind when the stores start playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. I say..."The longer the season, the better!"
I am hosting Thanksgiving this year and I am very excited! I love fixing my specialty side dishes. The menu consists of brussel sprouts with caramelized onions and toasted pistachios, Kambuku squash layered with turnip greens and abborio rice and then of course the oldies but goodies, garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and green bean casserole for my brother in law.
I'm planning our Christmas vacation and it looks like we will be heading north hopefully to snow. Getting in touch with nature, visiting caverns, waterfalls and staying in a cabin will be the highlights. We may go all the way to Dollywood, but that is still up in the air. Most children want to go to Orlando, but Osric is a child of adventure and insists that we explore the world around us.
I have been completely inspired lately. From sewing napkins and holiday curtains (to replace the sheet that has been hanging in the living room window for ahhh I'd say about a year now
:-), sketching portraits to give to family for Christmas, painting surreal images and cooking delish goodies, I am in heaven! I have so many plans for the future, but it would seem that when I feel well I always get a bit overzealous with my ambitions.
I plan on submitting a poem I penned to a literary magazine. I'm hoping to get a full spread that includes the art that accompanies the piece. It is a surreal recount of my stay in the asylum and it really nails the ambiance of the place. Its a matter of figuring out what magazine would be best suited for the subject matter and of course publishes both poems and art in one place. Also, I found a gallery in New Orleans that I think would be a perfect place to display and sell my art. Once I am finished with the series of faces I am painting I plan on taking them, but I'm pretty sure it will be an easy pitch. The pieces are perfect for this gallery and they have several unknown artists, so obviously they are not apposed to new talent.
Hubby and I spent the day in New Orleans right before Halloween. There was this exceptional haunted house set up in an old mortuary (from the 1800's), and I simply had to go. The coolest thing was they gave you VIP tickets if you gave blood... fabulous idea and made the experience even more "ghoulish", not to mention being ushered to the front of the line was quite the first class treatment! I've been anemic for a long time now despite massive consumption of iron supplements, so alas only hubby gave blood. Major disappointment since I envisioned that it was for the infamous vampires of New Orleans.. Yes, I know that is a bit silly, but a girl can dream!

Can Madness Be Beautiful?

Van Gogh painted "Starry Starry Night" while in an asylum and only sold one of his paintings in his entire life. He killed himself at the age of 37 and yet is revered as one of the best abstract painters of the 19th century.
Can madness be beautiful?

Everday is important... Right?

Coffee in one hand; Coke Zero in the other, yes ladies and gentlemen I am a two fisted drinker! I find myself thinking about Bloody Mary’s by 9:30 (in the morning) and Sangria by noon. I think it was Jimmy Buffet that said "its 5 o'clock somewhere" and by 3 I have adopted his motto as my own. I figure the people that sleep till noon only have to wait 5 hours and since I got up at 6 am its way past time for me to engage in the act of imbibery.
I just spent 35 minutes looking for Alexander's remote control. He walks up to me leans in and whispers "Kah". Thank the gods I know what that means. "Ku" means book. "Koh Koh" means Popcorn. And then there are the syllables I can’t understand, it’s horrible. He touches my arm, looks me straight in the eyes trying to express his want or need, and I am clueless. Finally after racking my brain and naming everything I can think of I say "show me". Sometimes I figure it out. Others he finally gives up. I'm sure he thinks I'm a bloody moron. That might be the only normal part of our relationship because don't all kids think their parents are dumb?
Up again, we are looking for an elusive book. Outside, under the bed, behind the sofa, in the garage and I have no idea what book I'm looking for, but I keep searching. Now he has decided it is a lost cause. He kisses his fingers and points for me to leave. I've decided it’s his way of saying "kiss off Mom." But he will be back to try again, and we will look in the same places and hopefully (as most of the time they do) the book will miraculously appear.
Osric has been asking me if he can play his xbox for the last two hours and I've told him to clean his room (something I only say because I remember my mom saying it to me when I was bugging her for something to do). Usually this approach works, but today he keeps asking.
I don't understand why all mothers don't go insane. The women that were born with the ability to do everything should be taken out back and shot. They make the rest of us look bad! I have come to the conclusion that they are either taking their child's Ritalin, hopped up on cocaine, or when they are behind closed doors they beat their children unmercifully to relieve their stress. However; dinner is always on the table at 7pm sharp and no one has to be any wiser. I mean all kids end up fucked up by their parents one way or another.
I get up from the computer to stretch and survey the damage since my last parade through the house. Popsicle sticks, check; pieces of popcorn, check; books and DVDs everywhere, check; child still breathing and not covered in unmentionable things excreted from body parts, oh that reminds me, "Alexander go tinkle in the potty." I wait... once he is in the bathroom I sprint over there to peek in and make sure he is actually relieving himself. He stands up and I reveal myself and tell him what a good boy he is and remind myself that he isn’t a dog. I help him pull up his shorts and check for wetness. When I find none; I congratulate myself for being a good responsible mother and go back to the kitchen to ignore the children.
9:31, Damn it! There is only a tablespoon of vodka left, and I'm out of tomato juice. There is plenty of beer in the refrigerator, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Alexander’s helper gets here at eleven. I steel myself. Chen up, I can make it. A sip of coffee, a sip of soda, and as Frozone in The Incredibles would say, "I'm good, I'm good!"

His Distance My Procrastination

Most of the time I feel like I am not doing the right thing by my son. Alexander is so difficult and there are so many things that I think would help him, but it seems like it takes so much persistence and energy to make stuff happen. How do I put aside my lethargy and push away my procrastination? One step at a time... One phone call at a time... Tell myself that I will do one thing differently today! He doesnt want to interact with me. He wants me to leave him alone and his behavior makes it so difficult to get past his distance. He is angry and seems unhappy. He is frustrated and I would be too if I couldnt communicate with the world.

Summer with Mommy Dearest

Summer is in full swing. Hubby got a job in FWB again and so he commutes back and forth everyday. Im not sure if I enjoy his constant companionship. I do like my personal time at home, but I do know that he will be home everynight to help out with the children. Yesterday I was totally freaking out because apd took away all of Alexander's Personal care hours. Which meant that I wouldnt have the same amount of help with him. Honestly his behavior is atrochoius. Hitting, kicking, pinching and the worst is biting. Awful! I am trying to get a behavior therapist to work with him, but it seems in this area they have a lot of work and only a few therapists. Its very frustrating. I was able to fix the hour situation... for now. Mentally it is a moment to moment situation. I have to keep reminding myself to stop and reavaluate what actually needs to get done and most of the time it calms me down. Narrowing down the big picture to only today makes things way more managable.

On The Edge Of Crazy

I've gone a bit mad as of late. Left in the middle of the night with my little sis and we drove to New Orleans. Extreme to say the least. We didnt tell anyone where we were going and I have to say it was a bit mean. My poor children I feel were the most tramatized by it.

I am having a hard time with the constant issues/side-effects that I have from taking all of these drugs, and honestly I think that they make it worse. Im not allowed to stop taking them and that was one of the reasons for my escape. I didnt take my drugs for two days and I actually felt better, but when I got home I had an ultimatum, take the drugs or leave. Wow! So here I am on the drugs again and feeling horrible!

Magic

When you realize that your life is at a pivotal moment you MUST act! It is now, or you will keep putting it off for who knows how long. Tomorrow, next week, in a month, year... lifetime??? I opened my closet of wonderful supplies: colored paper, paper with patterns, ribbons, buttons, beads, paint, pencils.. everything anyone could want for creating! It hit me. I must start. I must pull out the beautiful bits of magic and use them to make me more of who I want to be. Its amazing that glitter can turn into fairy dust if used to transform ones life into beauty. Art is magical in my life. It answers questions about my soul that I can not get from anyone else. It pulls the person I want to be out into the world and gives my aura a pretty pink hue. I need to do this. I need to be more, or I will fall back into the pit that I have climbed out of... I was wet, dirty and cold, but I have been nursed back to health. It is time to connect with my mind again and see what it holds. What can I contribute to life? Art washes the soul clean from the dust of everyday life!!!

Apathy

Motivation is so difficult to achieve when amidst a veil of apathy. I have 6 hours of quiet time while the boys are away at school during the day. I want to create. I want to make beautiful and sometimes dangerous drawings. I want to write, but when I start to think about it I get all anxious and start to procrastinate. All it takes is getting out the supplies and sitting down with my pencil in my hand. Why does it seem so hard to accomplish? My head starts to hurt and my eyelids get heavy and before I know it I am in bed sleeping the time away. I wake up and find myself disappointed that the day has slipped away.
I did make a huge step by making Dr appointments that I have been putting of for some time now. I even have a date book that I wrote all of my times in. New years resolution was to be more organized when it comes to appointments. So far so good.
I am always in such a hurry to do nothing.

helluo librorum

The New Year's bell is rung. The older child is at school and the younger one is still asleep.
I am overflowing with the need to connect to a person that has my love of bookish topics such as poetry, lyrics and the complexity of words. Beautiful words that create incredible imagery. Words that take the reader to precise places and then enslave you with the emotions and feelings so exquisitely displayed by the writer. That is the most extreme feeling. Understanding it, sharing it. Intimate and raw, bathing in the streams of fantasy woven for our psychological pleasure. A fellow logophile dancing through streams of literature.
So I search you out, a friendship born of literary love and abstract thoughts. A confidant that shares creativity with me and encourages me to explore life with wild abandon...
Where for art thou?