Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Van Gogh Vacation


My mind was so tired and the bad thoughts weren't going away on their own, Homicidal Ideations. My medications weren't working and I was sitting on the sofa staring at Alexander wondering how I could relieve myself from all this pain. Summer was looming ahead and I felt like I was drowning gasping for breath and barely keeping my head above the water.
I took a Van Gogh Vacation, two weeks in the local mental asylum at the cost of $26,000. I have really great insurance, so the ridiculous cost of nurses spoon feeding me pills and unlocking my bathroom when I needed to use it didn't break the bank.
In a way it resembled a retreat, we had classes that encouraged finding the power within you to love yourself and put yourself first. Behaviour Modification Therapy is essentially convincing yourself that you are "worth it". Two weeks without responsibility, no cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. We even played board games at night. We encouraged each other to laugh. Unfortunately the reality is the issue that landed me in the hospital loomed overhead like an albatross. I was in the hospital, a self-imposed isolation from society, to get my medication straightened out so that when I went home I wouldn't be a threat to myself or others. It took 3 medication changes before the endless thoughts stopped consuming my every waking moment. However medication can only fix so much...
I found myself begging for help... How do I accept this life sentence. My child will never grow up. My dreams of traveling the world and spending days immersed in other cultures all dashed. How could I do those things with a very big, very loud, individual in tow? Anger and animosity overwhelm my life which in turn makes me a miserable person.
Acceptance is now my goal. The serenity prayer rings true. Accept the things I can not change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Basically... work with what I have at my disposal. 1. Stop feeling guilty about not enjoying the things I can not change. 2. Stop over-compensating because I feel guilty and making myself even more miserable. 3. Stop "preforming" for other peoples benefit... be true to myself. If others do not like me for who I really am then I don't need them in my life after all. 4. Pay attention to the good fortune in my life. 5. Ask for and expect help. 6. Clean the bathrooms but don't vacuum more than once a day. 7. Cook dinner its something that I find calming and shows others that I love them. 8. Accept that there will be difficult days 9. Follow my dreams for they are still possible 10. Do what makes me happy and fulfills my soul.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. My stay at the hospital was a much needed experience. I needed the time to reflect on my life and dig deep into my soul to get to the root of the issues. I feel like I am finally climbing out of the well after treading water for so long.