Drawing Blood

I'm barely awake; Fingers wrap around my forearm right before a sharp sting, there is a momentary feeling of relief as I watch the thick red liquid flow into the vial. The suffocating anxiety floods back into my chest as as the needle is removed. "I don’t need a Band-Aid it won’t bleed." The nurse skeptically shakes her head and lifts the cotton ball, her eyes slightly widening when there isn’t bleeding. I shrug my shoulders, "I don’t bleed and I can’t cry and yet the pain is overwhelming." Turning towards the wall, I close my eyes and welcome the dark veil that comes over my mind and extinguishes the screams inside.

A Note to Doctor

Dear Dr. Dillon;

I am not doing any better on the Daytrana patches. I have tried putting two patches on at the same time and there is absolutely no change. I have gone back to the Ritalin 20mg 3x a day and at least that gives me enough help to do the basic necessities (bathe Alexander, fix dinner, take kids to Dr. appointments etc...). I am miserable, so depressed and sad. Nothing helps. The last two nights I tried taking an extra 3mg of Invega again to see if there would be any relief. I only feel more weighed down... like I have bags of rocks tied to my head. All I want to do is lay in bed.
I am taking:
450mg of Wellbutrin
40mg Celexa
300mg Lamictal
3mg Invega
and 20 mg Ritalin @ 5:30am, 9-10am, 3pm
I don't know what we can do, but we have to do something. Lee is out of town, but we have to be aggressive with my treatment. I have responsibilities and I don't have time or the money for a hospital visit. I can't wait till April for an overhaul. I am "pulling through" and I am still cognitive and can reason through my irrational thoughts.
I have an appointment next week, but moving forward before then would be much appreciated!

Alice Lewis
555-0170 or Lee 555-1825
HouseofAlice@ymail.com