Monday, March 24, 2014

One Week Later

I feel impotent. Day into day bleeding together, yet unable to stop the feelings of helplessness. I have fought for my son, and there is no one else to fight for him- to give his life potential. I see everything around me- feel everything- but I am unable to do anything. "Don't say anything unless you are willing to do it." Those are the words that have been uttered to me in anger. They ring true over and over in my head going round and round until I feel sick with dizziness. I can do nothing. Even the basic necessities of self care seem to be beyond my reach. I am in pain. I feel guilt. I am frozen in a feeling of hatred. I abhor the very essence of society. I want no part of humanity, or lack there of. Pretending is no longer an option. I want the thoughts to be obliterated. I need to feel the heavy burden of rumination relieved. I've swallowed the pills for one for seven days; and today on the eighth, I swallowed two. I feel no relief. Only a weight bearing down on my heart and my head. Only the repetition of others deception and my own impotence. The question- What do I do? Did I finally break? Is it the medication? If so, how much time do I have to endure this pain before they consider this a sufficient trial? Alone- and yet my mind is haunted. I suffer!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Beginnning Again

In 2012, on a dismal day in September, my Psychiatrist looked at me and said, "I've done everything I can for you. You need to learn to live with your fatigue, depression and obesity. Your husband will have to take up the slack. There is nothing more I can do." It took me about a week to decide- if I had to be miserable, I was going to be miserable off of medication. The next time I saw him I told him I wanted to get off of as many medications as possible. I was on nine prescriptions, six of which were psychotropic.

The last time I took an anti-depressant was January 15, 2013. Since that last dose I have been trying to regulate my moods with behavior modification techniques and a GFCF diet. It's been a long hard journey, but rewarding. I've lost 100 pounds and proved that the medications I was taking were not helping me. It allowed me to address hormonal issues, and look to physical maladies to explain my mood fluctuations. Unfortunately, I am still just surviving, so when a trip to the geneticist brought up anti-depressants I began to think maybe it is time to try something again.

My most successful time mentally was in 2003 when I was on a dairy free diet. I was taking Wellbutrin and Lamictal. I thought I would start there. Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist, and asked for Wellbutrin. I took the first dose last night- 150mg. It's a low dose. My psychiatrist told me it will take 6 weeks to see the results of taking this particular medication, but I tend to see results of any medication almost immediately. I don't know why- Whether it's my metabolic rate, or if I'm super sensitive to chemicals, but I tend to know in a day or two if something is going to be harmful or helpful.

I woke up this morning feeling even more apathetic towards life in general. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt more guilt about not wanting to interact with Alexander. I'm more sad as well.

Lee made me some lunch, and I tried taking a hot bath; but- I just feel "done, tired of fighting." I'm not sure if this is a result of the medication, or if I was already at the breaking point before seeing the doctor.

I can't imagine that the Wellbutrin is going to work now. I think the medications must add to the depression some how; but only time will reveal if this was a downward spiral I was already on, or if the medication pushed me here. I have a good idea of what the doctor would say. It involves giving the medication "enough time to work" and even upping the dose.

I'm hurting mentally and physically. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I want to get better. I want the pain to go away. I want to be living instead of surviving. I want to enjoy life instead of enduing it.