Dashboard Confessions

The road streches out in front of me. I am free. My wings unfurl. This is who I am. This is what I live for. Traveling my way to an adventure untold. Spontanious. I feel alive! The Dashboard is my therapist and the road I travel is the therapy. I whisper my pain away and every mile brings me closer to bliss. Home is only one page of my life. It is the adventures that fill up my book. The grand stories of experience.
A moment of insanity? Maybe...

Pain

I hurt so damn bad!
The pain in my chest is immeasurable... I am attempting to describe the indescribable.
I'm in Hell and the Devil's got my number! I beg...I bargain... yet the mental anguish continues unrelenting. I can imagine only one fate worse than this and it is not death.
It hurts to move...to have ideas... to plan... no dinner, no cleaning... no physical contact... "Don't touch me!"... all too overwhelming... suffocating... cotton batting filling my throat, my head in a vice grip, weights on my chest, burning in my stomach... yet those words only describe the physical sensations. Mostly... I would just like to cut my head off, blow my brains out, use an ice pick to give myself a lobotomy.
No! I'm not there yet... I'm still able to reason/rationalize. These thoughts aren't real. This pain will pass. These are just chemicals manipulating my subconscious. The extreme pressure suffocating me is imagined.
A deep breath, another, and then another, a ray of light? A moment of hope?
Free... I long to be free...to be able to breath.
::the Devil grins::
No matter how hard I try... I can't make it go away.

The Future and The Past

So much has happened since my last post... I feel wonderful and my extreme dislike of the human race has practical disappeared. I attribute it to birth control pills... isn’t that unexpected?! Apparently even though all of my hormonal tests came back fabulous over and over, my hormones or lack thereof were a significant problem. I love that an insignificant pill (that I don’t even have to take because my husband has a vasectomy) is practically a cure all! I’m still taking my other medications, but I have to say that this new little pill has changed my life!
Hubby and I went to "Tales of the Cocktail" in NOLA in July and it was excellent! Three days of childless abandon, lots of top shelf alcohol, and great people to hang out with. Our hotel was nice, but beyond the courtyard it didn’t have to NOLA charm I long for: a view of ancient rooftops and a balcony to sit and ponder life while I drink my coffee and watch the sunrise.. yep, when I am in New Orleans I never sleep in. The city is invigorating and brings me alive! The culture pours into me and fills my soul like no other place in the world! A unique place that holds on to the past, yet embraces the future and promises passion! There is no place I would rather be. It is where my soul resides, and where my dreams take me.
I lived through the boys birthdays this year with only a short time of despair and misery. I know that remembering the birth of your children is supposed to be a wonderful thing, but it fills me thoughts of hopelessness and overwhelming guilt. Other mothers’ don’t understand. I have yet to meet one that does. I love my children... I have embraced my future with Alexander and yet Sept. 10th through the 20th is the hardest part of the year for me.
I am back in my painting class. It is a studio class where we create and she critiques our work and pushes us past our comfort zone. I emailed my teacher before I signed up for her class. I explained my absence at the end of last semester, and she welcomed me back with much enthusiasm. I don’t think she knows what to think of me, but her friendly personality and sincere enjoyment of my work is a refreshing break in the middle of the week that I can look forward to.
I’m working on two paintings at the moment. One is a woman with large sunglasses soaring over a forest with a river running through it. I let my feelings dictate what my subject matter is and it pours onto the canvas; most of the time it isn’t until later that I can really understand the entire meaning of the images. This particular painting is a dream of the future so filled with promise and light I have to wear shades! The words that come to mind are "vibrant and natural."

The second painting was a result of reading the book "The Mists of Avalon." It is Morgaine surrounded by trees under a tumultuous sky. She is wearing a cape with the hood pulled over her hair, but she has a look on her face of knowledge and mischief. It is far from being completed, but it has much promise!
My life is still far from regular. I struggle with domestic issues; I clean bathrooms and vacuum constantly, but in the middle of it all I feel a since of belonging. I am coming into my own; fulfilling my destiny and ultimately embracing life.

Van Gogh Vacation

My mind was so tired and the bad thoughts weren't going away on their own, Homicidal Ideations. My medications weren't working and I was sitting on the sofa staring at Alexander wondering how I could relieve myself from all this pain. Summer was looming ahead and I felt like I was drowning gasping for breath and barely keeping my head above the water.
I took a Van Gogh Vacation, two weeks in the local mental asylum at the cost of $26,000. I have really great insurance, so the ridiculous cost of nurses spoon feeding me pills and unlocking my bathroom when I needed to use it didn't break the bank.
In a way it resembled a retreat, we had classes that encouraged finding the power within you to love yourself and put yourself first. Behaviour Modification Therapy is essentially convincing yourself that you are "worth it". Two weeks without responsibility, no cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids. We even played board games at night. We encouraged each other to laugh. Unfortunately the reality is the issue that landed me in the hospital loomed overhead like an albatross. I was in the hospital, a self-imposed isolation from society, to get my medication straightened out so that when I went home I wouldn't be a threat to myself or others. It took 3 medication changes before the endless thoughts stopped consuming my every waking moment. However medication can only fix so much...
I found myself begging for help... How do I accept this life sentence. My child will never grow up. My dreams of traveling the world and spending days immersed in other cultures all dashed. How could I do those things with a very big, very loud, individual in tow? Anger and animosity overwhelm my life which in turn makes me a miserable person.
Acceptance is now my goal. The serenity prayer rings true. Accept the things I can not change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Basically... work with what I have at my disposal. 1. Stop feeling guilty about not enjoying the things I can not change. 2. Stop over-compensating because I feel guilty and making myself even more miserable. 3. Stop "preforming" for other peoples benefit... be true to myself. If others do not like me for who I really am then I don't need them in my life after all. 4. Pay attention to the good fortune in my life. 5. Ask for and expect help. 6. Clean the bathrooms but don't vacuum more than once a day. 7. Cook dinner its something that I find calming and shows others that I love them. 8. Accept that there will be difficult days 9. Follow my dreams for they are still possible 10. Do what makes me happy and fulfills my soul.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. My stay at the hospital was a much needed experience. I needed the time to reflect on my life and dig deep into my soul to get to the root of the issues. I feel like I am finally climbing out of the well after treading water for so long.

The Treatment Team

The Treatment Team
By Alice Lewis

The Devil and his Pom Pom Girls
Phantasmagorical delight!
They peel away virtuous masks.
Three monstrous heads undulate:
Chanting their tenebrious cheers,
Shaking their black and white pom poms,
Ready for another face off!
The Cheshire cat smiles from his perch in the tree.
His Name is Dr. C

The victims and their mindless drool
Lobotomized existence!
Thousands of cries from men in hell:
Chains, straps and needles with thorzine.
Heads down, slippered feet shuffling
Through the labyrinth of white halls;
They seem to lead nowhere and yet,
The Blue Caterpillar has all of the cures.
He will not ever tell.

My insanity keeps me here.
Disproportionate Compliance!
Tonight we will eat the flat meat;
A patient that will never leave.
Here the apothecary stands;
I clench my eyes and hold my ears
Accepting my thimble of pills.
I have dreamed of my escape through the looking glass.
There are no mirrors here.

Memory Prompts

2010 Recap:
candy sale, Grandmother not dying in Ky, 10th Anniversary, fired, Sherrilyn Kenyon Tn, ran away NOLA, hired, Tails of the Cocktail NOLA, painting,drawing and sewing, Haunted Mortuary NOLA, vanilla holiday season and 0ver 60 Dr appointments total this yr.
(I think it is fair to say that I spend at least 25% of my life going to Dr. appointments.)