2010 Recap:
candy sale, Grandmother not dying in Ky, 10th Anniversary, fired, Sherrilyn Kenyon Tn, ran away NOLA, hired, Tails of the Cocktail NOLA, painting,drawing and sewing, Haunted Mortuary NOLA, vanilla holiday season and 0ver 60 Dr appointments total this yr.
(I think it is fair to say that I spend at least 25% of my life going to Dr. appointments.)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Farewell 2010... You were good to me!
Is the last day of the year a mirror into the past, or an augury of what is to come?
"Open Book" (thanks to Dogfish Head 90)
I ponder my accomplishments and stumbles in 2010.
Life is a road.
I look back and see the speed bumps and the potholes that slowed me down to a crawl some days. The days when my energy level was at 0 and I stood in the shadow of a mountain while happiness was on the other side. Or the times when I was at the peak where rainbows originate and the sun saturates you with its rays, everything at my fingertips, and I was filled with ways to expand my world.
It is said the difference between craft and art is creativity. A definition of creativity is "the ability to transcend traditional ideas, forms, and methods through originality, and imagination." (I think I'm going to have to paint that on my wall!)
2010 brought around a revolution to my life, my relationship and my soul. I fell hard before my husband gave me the gift of understanding. He opened my cage and set me free ... free of guilt and remorse. He gave me carte blanche to explore who I am. The technical abilities and the creative abilities... (see...) you have to have both to be an artist; a person must have amazing ideas and the ability to execute them. I find myself with ideas swirling around my head but without the ability to put them to paper, canvas, wire or fabric. Traditional school is impossible ... even though we have the money, and I have the intelligence, I can't be sure that my mind will stay involved and cooperative through an entire semester. I finally realized that this isn't an excuse for not having a degree but a reality. My mind is something that I must embrace and work with. I have been fighting it all my life, but it is not something that I can bullhead my way through.
During the last half of 2010 I treated myself as someone that has the time and the money to pursue their passions. Why not... And if I focus on what I can control, I have a wonderfully creative life.
Here is to 2011... May each day bring us closer to our dreams!
"Open Book" (thanks to Dogfish Head 90)
I ponder my accomplishments and stumbles in 2010.
Life is a road.
I look back and see the speed bumps and the potholes that slowed me down to a crawl some days. The days when my energy level was at 0 and I stood in the shadow of a mountain while happiness was on the other side. Or the times when I was at the peak where rainbows originate and the sun saturates you with its rays, everything at my fingertips, and I was filled with ways to expand my world.
It is said the difference between craft and art is creativity. A definition of creativity is "the ability to transcend traditional ideas, forms, and methods through originality, and imagination." (I think I'm going to have to paint that on my wall!)
2010 brought around a revolution to my life, my relationship and my soul. I fell hard before my husband gave me the gift of understanding. He opened my cage and set me free ... free of guilt and remorse. He gave me carte blanche to explore who I am. The technical abilities and the creative abilities... (see...) you have to have both to be an artist; a person must have amazing ideas and the ability to execute them. I find myself with ideas swirling around my head but without the ability to put them to paper, canvas, wire or fabric. Traditional school is impossible ... even though we have the money, and I have the intelligence, I can't be sure that my mind will stay involved and cooperative through an entire semester. I finally realized that this isn't an excuse for not having a degree but a reality. My mind is something that I must embrace and work with. I have been fighting it all my life, but it is not something that I can bullhead my way through.
During the last half of 2010 I treated myself as someone that has the time and the money to pursue their passions. Why not... And if I focus on what I can control, I have a wonderfully creative life.
Here is to 2011... May each day bring us closer to our dreams!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Halloween to Thanksgiving and beyond
Its almost Thanksgiving and the holidays are already in full swing. I am actually doing well.. I love the cinnamon apple and nutmeg smells and honestly I don't even mind when the stores start playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. I say..."The longer the season, the better!"
I am hosting Thanksgiving this year and I am very excited! I love fixing my specialty side dishes. The menu consists of brussel sprouts with caramelized onions and toasted pistachios, Kambuku squash layered with turnip greens and abborio rice and then of course the oldies but goodies, garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and green bean casserole for my brother in law.
I'm planning our Christmas vacation and it looks like we will be heading north hopefully to snow. Getting in touch with nature, visiting caverns, waterfalls and staying in a cabin will be the highlights. We may go all the way to Dollywood, but that is still up in the air. Most children want to go to Orlando, but Osric is a child of adventure and insists that we explore the world around us.
I have been completely inspired lately. From sewing napkins and holiday curtains (to replace the sheet that has been hanging in the living room window for ahhh I'd say about a year now
:-), sketching portraits to give to family for Christmas, painting surreal images and cooking delish goodies, I am in heaven! I have so many plans for the future, but it would seem that when I feel well I always get a bit overzealous with my ambitions.
I plan on submitting a poem I penned to a literary magazine. I'm hoping to get a full spread that includes the art that accompanies the piece. It is a surreal recount of my stay in the asylum and it really nails the ambiance of the place. Its a matter of figuring out what magazine would be best suited for the subject matter and of course publishes both poems and art in one place. Also, I found a gallery in New Orleans that I think would be a perfect place to display and sell my art. Once I am finished with the series of faces I am painting I plan on taking them, but I'm pretty sure it will be an easy pitch. The pieces are perfect for this gallery and they have several unknown artists, so obviously they are not apposed to new talent.
Hubby and I spent the day in New Orleans right before Halloween. There was this exceptional haunted house set up in an old mortuary (from the 1800's), and I simply had to go. The coolest thing was they gave you VIP tickets if you gave blood... fabulous idea and made the experience even more "ghoulish", not to mention being ushered to the front of the line was quite the first class treatment! I've been anemic for a long time now despite massive consumption of iron supplements, so alas only hubby gave blood. Major disappointment since I envisioned that it was for the infamous vampires of New Orleans.. Yes, I know that is a bit silly, but a girl can dream!
I am hosting Thanksgiving this year and I am very excited! I love fixing my specialty side dishes. The menu consists of brussel sprouts with caramelized onions and toasted pistachios, Kambuku squash layered with turnip greens and abborio rice and then of course the oldies but goodies, garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and green bean casserole for my brother in law.
I'm planning our Christmas vacation and it looks like we will be heading north hopefully to snow. Getting in touch with nature, visiting caverns, waterfalls and staying in a cabin will be the highlights. We may go all the way to Dollywood, but that is still up in the air. Most children want to go to Orlando, but Osric is a child of adventure and insists that we explore the world around us.
I have been completely inspired lately. From sewing napkins and holiday curtains (to replace the sheet that has been hanging in the living room window for ahhh I'd say about a year now
:-), sketching portraits to give to family for Christmas, painting surreal images and cooking delish goodies, I am in heaven! I have so many plans for the future, but it would seem that when I feel well I always get a bit overzealous with my ambitions.
I plan on submitting a poem I penned to a literary magazine. I'm hoping to get a full spread that includes the art that accompanies the piece. It is a surreal recount of my stay in the asylum and it really nails the ambiance of the place. Its a matter of figuring out what magazine would be best suited for the subject matter and of course publishes both poems and art in one place. Also, I found a gallery in New Orleans that I think would be a perfect place to display and sell my art. Once I am finished with the series of faces I am painting I plan on taking them, but I'm pretty sure it will be an easy pitch. The pieces are perfect for this gallery and they have several unknown artists, so obviously they are not apposed to new talent.
Hubby and I spent the day in New Orleans right before Halloween. There was this exceptional haunted house set up in an old mortuary (from the 1800's), and I simply had to go. The coolest thing was they gave you VIP tickets if you gave blood... fabulous idea and made the experience even more "ghoulish", not to mention being ushered to the front of the line was quite the first class treatment! I've been anemic for a long time now despite massive consumption of iron supplements, so alas only hubby gave blood. Major disappointment since I envisioned that it was for the infamous vampires of New Orleans.. Yes, I know that is a bit silly, but a girl can dream!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Can Madness Be Beautiful?
Van Gogh painted "Starry Starry Night" while in an asylum and only sold one of his paintings in his entire life. He killed himself at the age of 37 and yet is revered as one of the best abstract painters of the 19th century.
Can madness be beautiful?
Can madness be beautiful?
Monday, August 2, 2010
Everday is important... Right?
Coffee in one hand; Coke Zero in the other, yes ladies and gentlemen I am a two fisted drinker! I find myself thinking about Bloody Mary’s by 9:30 (in the morning) and Sangria by noon. I think it was Jimmy Buffet that said "its 5 o'clock somewhere" and by 3 I have adopted his motto as my own. I figure the people that sleep till noon only have to wait 5 hours and since I got up at 6 am its way past time for me to engage in the act of imbibery.
I just spent 35 minutes looking for Alexander's remote control. He walks up to me leans in and whispers "Kah". Thank the gods I know what that means. "Ku" means book. "Koh Koh" means Popcorn. And then there are the syllables I can’t understand, it’s horrible. He touches my arm, looks me straight in the eyes trying to express his want or need, and I am clueless. Finally after racking my brain and naming everything I can think of I say "show me". Sometimes I figure it out. Others he finally gives up. I'm sure he thinks I'm a bloody moron. That might be the only normal part of our relationship because don't all kids think their parents are dumb?
Up again, we are looking for an elusive book. Outside, under the bed, behind the sofa, in the garage and I have no idea what book I'm looking for, but I keep searching. Now he has decided it is a lost cause. He kisses his fingers and points for me to leave. I've decided it’s his way of saying "kiss off Mom." But he will be back to try again, and we will look in the same places and hopefully (as most of the time they do) the book will miraculously appear.
Osric has been asking me if he can play his xbox for the last two hours and I've told him to clean his room (something I only say because I remember my mom saying it to me when I was bugging her for something to do). Usually this approach works, but today he keeps asking.
I don't understand why all mothers don't go insane. The women that were born with the ability to do everything should be taken out back and shot. They make the rest of us look bad! I have come to the conclusion that they are either taking their child's Ritalin, hopped up on cocaine, or when they are behind closed doors they beat their children unmercifully to relieve their stress. However; dinner is always on the table at 7pm sharp and no one has to be any wiser. I mean all kids end up fucked up by their parents one way or another.
I get up from the computer to stretch and survey the damage since my last parade through the house. Popsicle sticks, check; pieces of popcorn, check; books and DVDs everywhere, check; child still breathing and not covered in unmentionable things excreted from body parts, oh that reminds me, "Alexander go tinkle in the potty." I wait... once he is in the bathroom I sprint over there to peek in and make sure he is actually relieving himself. He stands up and I reveal myself and tell him what a good boy he is and remind myself that he isn’t a dog. I help him pull up his shorts and check for wetness. When I find none; I congratulate myself for being a good responsible mother and go back to the kitchen to ignore the children.
9:31, Damn it! There is only a tablespoon of vodka left, and I'm out of tomato juice. There is plenty of beer in the refrigerator, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Alexander’s helper gets here at eleven. I steel myself. Chen up, I can make it. A sip of coffee, a sip of soda, and as Frozone in The Incredibles would say, "I'm good, I'm good!"
I just spent 35 minutes looking for Alexander's remote control. He walks up to me leans in and whispers "Kah". Thank the gods I know what that means. "Ku" means book. "Koh Koh" means Popcorn. And then there are the syllables I can’t understand, it’s horrible. He touches my arm, looks me straight in the eyes trying to express his want or need, and I am clueless. Finally after racking my brain and naming everything I can think of I say "show me". Sometimes I figure it out. Others he finally gives up. I'm sure he thinks I'm a bloody moron. That might be the only normal part of our relationship because don't all kids think their parents are dumb?
Up again, we are looking for an elusive book. Outside, under the bed, behind the sofa, in the garage and I have no idea what book I'm looking for, but I keep searching. Now he has decided it is a lost cause. He kisses his fingers and points for me to leave. I've decided it’s his way of saying "kiss off Mom." But he will be back to try again, and we will look in the same places and hopefully (as most of the time they do) the book will miraculously appear.
Osric has been asking me if he can play his xbox for the last two hours and I've told him to clean his room (something I only say because I remember my mom saying it to me when I was bugging her for something to do). Usually this approach works, but today he keeps asking.
I don't understand why all mothers don't go insane. The women that were born with the ability to do everything should be taken out back and shot. They make the rest of us look bad! I have come to the conclusion that they are either taking their child's Ritalin, hopped up on cocaine, or when they are behind closed doors they beat their children unmercifully to relieve their stress. However; dinner is always on the table at 7pm sharp and no one has to be any wiser. I mean all kids end up fucked up by their parents one way or another.
I get up from the computer to stretch and survey the damage since my last parade through the house. Popsicle sticks, check; pieces of popcorn, check; books and DVDs everywhere, check; child still breathing and not covered in unmentionable things excreted from body parts, oh that reminds me, "Alexander go tinkle in the potty." I wait... once he is in the bathroom I sprint over there to peek in and make sure he is actually relieving himself. He stands up and I reveal myself and tell him what a good boy he is and remind myself that he isn’t a dog. I help him pull up his shorts and check for wetness. When I find none; I congratulate myself for being a good responsible mother and go back to the kitchen to ignore the children.
9:31, Damn it! There is only a tablespoon of vodka left, and I'm out of tomato juice. There is plenty of beer in the refrigerator, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Alexander’s helper gets here at eleven. I steel myself. Chen up, I can make it. A sip of coffee, a sip of soda, and as Frozone in The Incredibles would say, "I'm good, I'm good!"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
His Distance My Procrastination
Most of the time I feel like I am not doing the right thing by my son. Alexander is so difficult and there are so many things that I think would help him, but it seems like it takes so much persistence and energy to make stuff happen. How do I put aside my lethargy and push away my procrastination? One step at a time... One phone call at a time... Tell myself that I will do one thing differently today! He doesnt want to interact with me. He wants me to leave him alone and his behavior makes it so difficult to get past his distance. He is angry and seems unhappy. He is frustrated and I would be too if I couldnt communicate with the world.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Summer with Mommy Dearest
Summer is in full swing. Hubby got a job in FWB again and so he commutes back and forth everyday. Im not sure if I enjoy his constant companionship. I do like my personal time at home, but I do know that he will be home everynight to help out with the children. Yesterday I was totally freaking out because apd took away all of Alexander's Personal care hours. Which meant that I wouldnt have the same amount of help with him. Honestly his behavior is atrochoius. Hitting, kicking, pinching and the worst is biting. Awful! I am trying to get a behavior therapist to work with him, but it seems in this area they have a lot of work and only a few therapists. Its very frustrating. I was able to fix the hour situation... for now. Mentally it is a moment to moment situation. I have to keep reminding myself to stop and reavaluate what actually needs to get done and most of the time it calms me down. Narrowing down the big picture to only today makes things way more managable.
Friday, June 11, 2010
On The Edge Of Crazy
I've gone a bit mad as of late. Left in the middle of the night with my little sis and we drove to New Orleans. Extreme to say the least. We didnt tell anyone where we were going and I have to say it was a bit mean. My poor children I feel were the most tramatized by it.
I am having a hard time with the constant issues/side-effects that I have from taking all of these drugs, and honestly I think that they make it worse. Im not allowed to stop taking them and that was one of the reasons for my escape. I didnt take my drugs for two days and I actually felt better, but when I got home I had an ultimatum, take the drugs or leave. Wow! So here I am on the drugs again and feeling horrible!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Magic
When you realize that your life is at a pivotal moment you MUST act! It is now, or you will keep putting it off for who knows how long. Tomorrow, next week, in a month, year... lifetime??? I opened my closet of wonderful supplies: colored paper, paper with patterns, ribbons, buttons, beads, paint, pencils.. everything anyone could want for creating! It hit me. I must start. I must pull out the beautiful bits of magic and use them to make me more of who I want to be. Its amazing that glitter can turn into fairy dust if used to transform ones life into beauty. Art is magical in my life. It answers questions about my soul that I can not get from anyone else. It pulls the person I want to be out into the world and gives my aura a pretty pink hue. I need to do this. I need to be more, or I will fall back into the pit that I have climbed out of... I was wet, dirty and cold, but I have been nursed back to health. It is time to connect with my mind again and see what it holds. What can I contribute to life? Art washes the soul clean from the dust of everyday life!!!
Apathy
Motivation is so difficult to achieve when amidst a veil of apathy. I have 6 hours of quiet time while the boys are away at school during the day. I want to create. I want to make beautiful and sometimes dangerous drawings. I want to write, but when I start to think about it I get all anxious and start to procrastinate. All it takes is getting out the supplies and sitting down with my pencil in my hand. Why does it seem so hard to accomplish? My head starts to hurt and my eyelids get heavy and before I know it I am in bed sleeping the time away. I wake up and find myself disappointed that the day has slipped away.
I did make a huge step by making Dr appointments that I have been putting of for some time now. I even have a date book that I wrote all of my times in. New years resolution was to be more organized when it comes to appointments. So far so good.
I am always in such a hurry to do nothing.
I did make a huge step by making Dr appointments that I have been putting of for some time now. I even have a date book that I wrote all of my times in. New years resolution was to be more organized when it comes to appointments. So far so good.
I am always in such a hurry to do nothing.
Monday, January 4, 2010
helluo librorum
The New Year's bell is rung. The older child is at school and the younger one is still asleep.
I am overflowing with the need to connect to a person that has my love of bookish topics such as poetry, lyrics and the complexity of words. Beautiful words that create incredible imagery. Words that take the reader to precise places and then enslave you with the emotions and feelings so exquisitely displayed by the writer. That is the most extreme feeling. Understanding it, sharing it. Intimate and raw, bathing in the streams of fantasy woven for our psychological pleasure. A fellow logophile dancing through streams of literature.
So I search you out, a friendship born of literary love and abstract thoughts. A confidant that shares creativity with me and encourages me to explore life with wild abandon...
Where for art thou?
Monday, November 30, 2009
Quiet Rain
It has been a while since I have been able to access the darker areas of my mind. The places that many people don't have or don't allow themselves to find.
I like the rain. It brings with it a cloudy calm and heavy drops outside my window. I stare out and think about how nice it is to sit in the dark. Just the movement of my fingers reminding me their is life. I stop for a second imagining blood red wine and little pink pills on the table next to me. Yes, I still wish for oblivion at times. More often lately then I should. I dont want to die. I just wish to be uninvolved. I'm in my own world and I wish people would leave me here.
The rain is slowing down.
I like the rain. It brings with it a cloudy calm and heavy drops outside my window. I stare out and think about how nice it is to sit in the dark. Just the movement of my fingers reminding me their is life. I stop for a second imagining blood red wine and little pink pills on the table next to me. Yes, I still wish for oblivion at times. More often lately then I should. I dont want to die. I just wish to be uninvolved. I'm in my own world and I wish people would leave me here.
The rain is slowing down.
Nightmare WC172
This is the last one, I promise myself as I open the door. A bathtub sits in the corner filled with lye and an unfortunate soul almost dissolved entirely. I rub my watering eyes…all of my other senses are immune to the stench. Chains descend from ceiling holding an unrecognizable shape... it had only been six days since the last time. Dropping the spent body to the floor I roll up the tarp.
How easily they are charmed online, so naive and willing. Trusting my flattering words they deliver themselves into my sadistic hands.
With each one, I take my time. My beauties beg and promise anything as terror takes hold. My refection in their eyes is such a thrill. Knowing with every scream they are completely mine. Only with the jagged edge of a saw will they think of nothing else. I am everything. I am their God!
The lovely one on the floor is stirring. My pulse quickens as I drag her inside. I know she won't be the last.
How easily they are charmed online, so naive and willing. Trusting my flattering words they deliver themselves into my sadistic hands.
With each one, I take my time. My beauties beg and promise anything as terror takes hold. My refection in their eyes is such a thrill. Knowing with every scream they are completely mine. Only with the jagged edge of a saw will they think of nothing else. I am everything. I am their God!
The lovely one on the floor is stirring. My pulse quickens as I drag her inside. I know she won't be the last.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Getting High on Air
Alexander has this behavior that absolutely drives me crazy! He Breathes in and out really fast until he hyperventilates and sees stars. Sometimes he falls down and sometimes he just makes strange faces... but he does it like 25 times an hour. It basically seems like all the time! He has also recently broken his volume dial.. every thing is a yell... happy, sad or any kind of communication is done in a yell. Mostly so loud that in public he makes people jump if they are close by. Its really bad in the middle of the night when he gets in bed with me and starts up. Let me tell you even someone that sleeps soundly is awakened by these noises. I beg him to stop, but it only causes more. Then he gets up and turns on all the lights in the house. At 3 am this is not fun. But there is no way to stop this behavior. Believe me when I say we have tried everything! Having an 8 yr old that doesnt sleep through the night is a real pain in the ass.. So enough complaining. Its labor day weekend and hubby has 4 days off.. We painted Alexanders room a green color.. it said it was grass cloth green, but looks more like asparagus soup green to me. Its not bad though. I'm thinking of putting leaves around the ceiling and making it like the Room in Where The Wild Things Are... That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew until the ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around. It should be really cool! Well thats about all
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Quality Time
Im so frustrated. I havent gotten to watch a movie or do anything with my husband when the kids go to bed in forever. Im always to tired and so I go to bed when they do. Last night I told him if I fall asleep to wake me up. He didnt. I would really like to spend some time with him, but it doesnt seem mutual. If he doesnt want to spend time with me then I can spend time doing what I enjoy instead of just sitting around. God thats irritating.
My last post was ridiculous.. I almost think I was manic the way I was obsessing over the topic...
and most of it didnt make any sense.
My last post was ridiculous.. I almost think I was manic the way I was obsessing over the topic...
and most of it didnt make any sense.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Galbledy-Goop
Ok.. I just had the most fabulous talk over coffee with my mother...
I love thinking and opening up your mind and trying to understand new ideas. I'm not saying they havent been thought of before or mulled over during late nights of alcoholic brillance, but still they are new to me and I love to disprove anything. Everything can be disproved you jsut need enough information to do it. Eventually someone comes along that is smarter and shows you the missing link.
So we were talking about prime numbers and their importance in the universe. Where do they end and begin, because "in my mind" (now this is where the stupid italian goes to france, she either has to find someone that speeks both languages and can translate or learn the language. I chose to draw pictures until they teach me the words) once you find that end and beginning you would then have a pattern no matter what that pattern is.
So I was driving on the way home, using .01% of my brain to steer the car and the other 4.9% to explore this mathimatical idea of primes. Here is what I got excited over.. hahha
If there is no relationship between prime numbers and no clear pattern then it is the language of Chaos because there is no ryhme nor reason to their existance except they are based on nothing but themselves... (Now Im sure a million people have thought of this). A metophor for this would be languages. Words in modern language are built off of words from previous languages. There is no ryhyme or reason why these new made up words arnt based in another language. Or at least part of the word is derived from another language. Such are prime numbers... why are there numbers that arent made up of other numbers. How can things be more complex without being based on something simpler.. evolving in a way. 2 evolves to 4 and then becomes 6 and so on. 3 and two are base one 1 which would be the single molecule that relates 2 and 3. They do have something in common.. All prime numbers evolved from 1. 2, 3, 5, 7 evolved from one. What makes a single celled creature become more? How does it decide what it will be? and when does it start to evolve. Can we predict the end of evolution? When will things cease to change. Once every cell has mutated to its fullest ability what will happen? These are all questions that are related to finding a formula for Prime Numbers. Once the evolution of that new cell begins it can then become more complex such as 3. 1 becomes 3, 6, 9 and so on. Ever complex number is based on a prime number. 1 is the building block of evolution and everyother prime is another spin off from one. Each new prime number is an entirely new entity and until that time it does not exist nothing else could determain that this number or entity was possible by taking anything but the first cell of evolution. Why would their be a pattern to creation. To know that pattern you would have to know what formed 1. What made the first thing. The first thing is the beginning of the universe. People speculate the size of the universe. Some people think that the universe goes on forever, and others believe that it folds in on itself creating a loop. That the end is the beginning. Therefore in the end you would always start with 1. The one constant that we can relate to everything in our demention is that it exists. It takes up time no matter how short or long. If we were ever to find a pattern in the occurance of prime numbers then they would cease to be prime because in order to be prime they can't exist anywhere else. When there is a pattern there is repition of some kind, and there would cease to be another prime number
I love thinking and opening up your mind and trying to understand new ideas. I'm not saying they havent been thought of before or mulled over during late nights of alcoholic brillance, but still they are new to me and I love to disprove anything. Everything can be disproved you jsut need enough information to do it. Eventually someone comes along that is smarter and shows you the missing link.
So we were talking about prime numbers and their importance in the universe. Where do they end and begin, because "in my mind" (now this is where the stupid italian goes to france, she either has to find someone that speeks both languages and can translate or learn the language. I chose to draw pictures until they teach me the words) once you find that end and beginning you would then have a pattern no matter what that pattern is.
So I was driving on the way home, using .01% of my brain to steer the car and the other 4.9% to explore this mathimatical idea of primes. Here is what I got excited over.. hahha
If there is no relationship between prime numbers and no clear pattern then it is the language of Chaos because there is no ryhme nor reason to their existance except they are based on nothing but themselves... (Now Im sure a million people have thought of this). A metophor for this would be languages. Words in modern language are built off of words from previous languages. There is no ryhyme or reason why these new made up words arnt based in another language. Or at least part of the word is derived from another language. Such are prime numbers... why are there numbers that arent made up of other numbers. How can things be more complex without being based on something simpler.. evolving in a way. 2 evolves to 4 and then becomes 6 and so on. 3 and two are base one 1 which would be the single molecule that relates 2 and 3. They do have something in common.. All prime numbers evolved from 1. 2, 3, 5, 7 evolved from one. What makes a single celled creature become more? How does it decide what it will be? and when does it start to evolve. Can we predict the end of evolution? When will things cease to change. Once every cell has mutated to its fullest ability what will happen? These are all questions that are related to finding a formula for Prime Numbers. Once the evolution of that new cell begins it can then become more complex such as 3. 1 becomes 3, 6, 9 and so on. Ever complex number is based on a prime number. 1 is the building block of evolution and everyother prime is another spin off from one. Each new prime number is an entirely new entity and until that time it does not exist nothing else could determain that this number or entity was possible by taking anything but the first cell of evolution. Why would their be a pattern to creation. To know that pattern you would have to know what formed 1. What made the first thing. The first thing is the beginning of the universe. People speculate the size of the universe. Some people think that the universe goes on forever, and others believe that it folds in on itself creating a loop. That the end is the beginning. Therefore in the end you would always start with 1. The one constant that we can relate to everything in our demention is that it exists. It takes up time no matter how short or long. If we were ever to find a pattern in the occurance of prime numbers then they would cease to be prime because in order to be prime they can't exist anywhere else. When there is a pattern there is repition of some kind, and there would cease to be another prime number
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I am a Free Woman
I am a Free Woman!!!!
I made it through the entire summer and the children are back in school! Now all I have to do is make it through the birthdays in September and I am home free! Wooo hoo!
This week is my relaxation week.. Do nothing! Today I plan on watching two girlie movies while the boys are at school and pampering myself.
I have so many plans for this school year: Take advantage of my gym membership, Get creative, join an art group that meets on Wednesdays from 9 till 3, therapy with a wonderful woman who looks like a hippy and really seems to be in tune with what she does (we are going to work on relaxation techniques) Alexanders speech and communication board, being part of his school almost like a room mother and planning special activities for the class. I am sure there is more. Im quite stoked about it!
I have really been doing some interesting entries in my Guerrilla Journal. Working on really covering the pages and trying different techniques that I have read about. My camera battery died so I havent been able to take some pictures to up-load.
My head dr gave me prescriptions for 3 months. That means I am doing really well. I am determined for it to stay that way!
I absolutely love reading the artistic blogs by the multi media artists. Wonderful and Positive!
I made it through the entire summer and the children are back in school! Now all I have to do is make it through the birthdays in September and I am home free! Wooo hoo!
This week is my relaxation week.. Do nothing! Today I plan on watching two girlie movies while the boys are at school and pampering myself.
I have so many plans for this school year: Take advantage of my gym membership, Get creative, join an art group that meets on Wednesdays from 9 till 3, therapy with a wonderful woman who looks like a hippy and really seems to be in tune with what she does (we are going to work on relaxation techniques) Alexanders speech and communication board, being part of his school almost like a room mother and planning special activities for the class. I am sure there is more. Im quite stoked about it!
I have really been doing some interesting entries in my Guerrilla Journal. Working on really covering the pages and trying different techniques that I have read about. My camera battery died so I havent been able to take some pictures to up-load.
My head dr gave me prescriptions for 3 months. That means I am doing really well. I am determined for it to stay that way!
I absolutely love reading the artistic blogs by the multi media artists. Wonderful and Positive!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Appointments & Guilt
I havent written anything in awhile so I felt like I needed to sit down and put some thoughts on "paper". Actually I havent been doing much of anything. I did clean the house yesterday. I try to get that done every monday because the weekends tend to make the house look like the tasmanian devil came through. Creatively I have let myself slip.
This week is very busy with Alexanders appointments. One everyday this week starting with today, Speech and Ot. He sreams the entire time he is in the back and most of the other parents coming in make comments along these lines, "sounds like they are killing a child back there." I smile and tell them its my son to make sure that there are no derogatory remarks that follow. I dont care if they say something when I cant hear it. I just dont want to be privy them. I was called into the back by the speech therapist. She is using a picture communication system with him and if he has any hope of being able to communicate with him he needs the same system at home. I've known this for a while and the guilt of not making it happen is huge. Ill I have to do is go around and make pictures of everything in his life. Sounds simple enough. In fact the creative person in me should relish such a project. I don't. It seems so daunting. They also want me to take Brynmor out of school to bring him to speech and I have to say up front .. that's not happening. No no no No!
After speech we went to Toys R Us. Osric purchased a power miner lego with his allowance (I got suckered into paying the tax). I bought Alexander a Mr. Potato Head. I think we can do some great activities with him. Not to mention its always fun to have his arm sticking out of his ear and his hat in his mouth! Then off to Sams for Pizza. Alexander was "all done" as soon as we got there. We did manage to get him to eat some of his pizza but he really wasn't interested and Osric and I ended up having to devour ours on the fly. He screamed all the way home because we didn't go to the "ta-da" which means book store.
My head has been in a state of confusion. I try to focus on one thing and it jumps to another. Never landing on anything long enough to complete it. I cant read. I read the same paragraph over and over trying to absorb it and just end up getting frustrated. Normally this means that there is something wrong with the mood stabilizer.
When Alexanders helper gets here I hope to do something productive. I'm at a loss for what I could accomplish even though the list is long.
This week is very busy with Alexanders appointments. One everyday this week starting with today, Speech and Ot. He sreams the entire time he is in the back and most of the other parents coming in make comments along these lines, "sounds like they are killing a child back there." I smile and tell them its my son to make sure that there are no derogatory remarks that follow. I dont care if they say something when I cant hear it. I just dont want to be privy them. I was called into the back by the speech therapist. She is using a picture communication system with him and if he has any hope of being able to communicate with him he needs the same system at home. I've known this for a while and the guilt of not making it happen is huge. Ill I have to do is go around and make pictures of everything in his life. Sounds simple enough. In fact the creative person in me should relish such a project. I don't. It seems so daunting. They also want me to take Brynmor out of school to bring him to speech and I have to say up front .. that's not happening. No no no No!
After speech we went to Toys R Us. Osric purchased a power miner lego with his allowance (I got suckered into paying the tax). I bought Alexander a Mr. Potato Head. I think we can do some great activities with him. Not to mention its always fun to have his arm sticking out of his ear and his hat in his mouth! Then off to Sams for Pizza. Alexander was "all done" as soon as we got there. We did manage to get him to eat some of his pizza but he really wasn't interested and Osric and I ended up having to devour ours on the fly. He screamed all the way home because we didn't go to the "ta-da" which means book store.
My head has been in a state of confusion. I try to focus on one thing and it jumps to another. Never landing on anything long enough to complete it. I cant read. I read the same paragraph over and over trying to absorb it and just end up getting frustrated. Normally this means that there is something wrong with the mood stabilizer.
When Alexanders helper gets here I hope to do something productive. I'm at a loss for what I could accomplish even though the list is long.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Excited and Inspired
I am so excited! I bought a new book about extreme journaling online and it is coming today! Yehhhh! I just finished reading one called Journal Revolution. It is interesting to see someone else's style and know that yours is completely different. Obviously there is no bad journaling. Capturing life in the moment, but there is a difference between journaling and scrapbooking. This book tried to blur the lines and it felt like they lost a lot of emotion in the process. I did learn some really cool techniques though! Photo booth pictures created with regular cameras, Now this was cool! They also suggested taking your camera everywhere. Something that I used to do but have long since replaced it with to do lists and money. I want to get back to finding entertainment within myself instead of using cash. Everyday moments that inspire me. When I look for them I see them in so many places. Architecture of different houses is really grabbing me right now. The houses in downtown are so wonderful. Built with charm and character. Anything built before 1950. My house is functional. Meets the needs I have. Open I can see the children in every direction. Perfect for this moment in my life.. but it doesn't speak to me. Trying to make it more of a representation of me.
Going downtown allows me to dream.
Going downtown allows me to dream.
Madness takes Shape
I really love this journal entry. I had a lot of pent up anger and anxiety and I just let it flow onto the page. The day had been especially long with the children and I needed to escape. This is the first time I have used this method to release myself. It was wonderful! The red and yellow discribe the burning feeling in my chest and the duct tape is so perfect. It repersents the feeling of being bound. The black lines are trapping the madness in the book. I let it go and emerged from my personal hell. A fresh soul ~ purged!
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