Magic

When you realize that your life is at a pivotal moment you MUST act! It is now, or you will keep putting it off for who knows how long. Tomorrow, next week, in a month, year... lifetime??? I opened my closet of wonderful supplies: colored paper, paper with patterns, ribbons, buttons, beads, paint, pencils.. everything anyone could want for creating! It hit me. I must start. I must pull out the beautiful bits of magic and use them to make me more of who I want to be. Its amazing that glitter can turn into fairy dust if used to transform ones life into beauty. Art is magical in my life. It answers questions about my soul that I can not get from anyone else. It pulls the person I want to be out into the world and gives my aura a pretty pink hue. I need to do this. I need to be more, or I will fall back into the pit that I have climbed out of... I was wet, dirty and cold, but I have been nursed back to health. It is time to connect with my mind again and see what it holds. What can I contribute to life? Art washes the soul clean from the dust of everyday life!!!

Apathy

Motivation is so difficult to achieve when amidst a veil of apathy. I have 6 hours of quiet time while the boys are away at school during the day. I want to create. I want to make beautiful and sometimes dangerous drawings. I want to write, but when I start to think about it I get all anxious and start to procrastinate. All it takes is getting out the supplies and sitting down with my pencil in my hand. Why does it seem so hard to accomplish? My head starts to hurt and my eyelids get heavy and before I know it I am in bed sleeping the time away. I wake up and find myself disappointed that the day has slipped away.
I did make a huge step by making Dr appointments that I have been putting of for some time now. I even have a date book that I wrote all of my times in. New years resolution was to be more organized when it comes to appointments. So far so good.
I am always in such a hurry to do nothing.

helluo librorum

The New Year's bell is rung. The older child is at school and the younger one is still asleep.
I am overflowing with the need to connect to a person that has my love of bookish topics such as poetry, lyrics and the complexity of words. Beautiful words that create incredible imagery. Words that take the reader to precise places and then enslave you with the emotions and feelings so exquisitely displayed by the writer. That is the most extreme feeling. Understanding it, sharing it. Intimate and raw, bathing in the streams of fantasy woven for our psychological pleasure. A fellow logophile dancing through streams of literature.
So I search you out, a friendship born of literary love and abstract thoughts. A confidant that shares creativity with me and encourages me to explore life with wild abandon...
Where for art thou?

Quiet Rain

It has been a while since I have been able to access the darker areas of my mind. The places that many people don't have or don't allow themselves to find.
I like the rain. It brings with it a cloudy calm and heavy drops outside my window. I stare out and think about how nice it is to sit in the dark. Just the movement of my fingers reminding me their is life. I stop for a second imagining blood red wine and little pink pills on the table next to me. Yes, I still wish for oblivion at times. More often lately then I should. I dont want to die. I just wish to be uninvolved. I'm in my own world and I wish people would leave me here.
The rain is slowing down.

Nightmare WC172

This is the last one, I promise myself as I open the door. A bathtub sits in the corner filled with lye and an unfortunate soul almost dissolved entirely. I rub my watering eyes…all of my other senses are immune to the stench. Chains descend from ceiling holding an unrecognizable shape... it had only been six days since the last time. Dropping the spent body to the floor I roll up the tarp.
How easily they are charmed online, so naive and willing. Trusting my flattering words they deliver themselves into my sadistic hands.
With each one, I take my time. My beauties beg and promise anything as terror takes hold. My refection in their eyes is such a thrill. Knowing with every scream they are completely mine. Only with the jagged edge of a saw will they think of nothing else. I am everything. I am their God!
The lovely one on the floor is stirring. My pulse quickens as I drag her inside. I know she won't be the last.

Getting High on Air

Alexander has this behavior that absolutely drives me crazy! He Breathes in and out really fast until he hyperventilates and sees stars. Sometimes he falls down and sometimes he just makes strange faces... but he does it like 25 times an hour. It basically seems like all the time! He has also recently broken his volume dial.. every thing is a yell... happy, sad or any kind of communication is done in a yell. Mostly so loud that in public he makes people jump if they are close by. Its really bad in the middle of the night when he gets in bed with me and starts up. Let me tell you even someone that sleeps soundly is awakened by these noises. I beg him to stop, but it only causes more. Then he gets up and turns on all the lights in the house. At 3 am this is not fun. But there is no way to stop this behavior. Believe me when I say we have tried everything! Having an 8 yr old that doesnt sleep through the night is a real pain in the ass.. So enough complaining. Its labor day weekend and hubby has 4 days off.. We painted Alexanders room a green color.. it said it was grass cloth green, but looks more like asparagus soup green to me. Its not bad though. I'm thinking of putting leaves around the ceiling and making it like the Room in Where The Wild Things Are... That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew until the ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around. It should be really cool! Well thats about all

Quality Time

Im so frustrated. I havent gotten to watch a movie or do anything with my husband when the kids go to bed in forever. Im always to tired and so I go to bed when they do. Last night I told him if I fall asleep to wake me up. He didnt. I would really like to spend some time with him, but it doesnt seem mutual. If he doesnt want to spend time with me then I can spend time doing what I enjoy instead of just sitting around. God thats irritating.
My last post was ridiculous.. I almost think I was manic the way I was obsessing over the topic...
and most of it didnt make any sense.

Galbledy-Goop

Ok.. I just had the most fabulous talk over coffee with my mother...
I love thinking and opening up your mind and trying to understand new ideas. I'm not saying they havent been thought of before or mulled over during late nights of alcoholic brillance, but still they are new to me and I love to disprove anything. Everything can be disproved you jsut need enough information to do it. Eventually someone comes along that is smarter and shows you the missing link.
So we were talking about prime numbers and their importance in the universe. Where do they end and begin, because "in my mind" (now this is where the stupid italian goes to france, she either has to find someone that speeks both languages and can translate or learn the language. I chose to draw pictures until they teach me the words) once you find that end and beginning you would then have a pattern no matter what that pattern is.
So I was driving on the way home, using .01% of my brain to steer the car and the other 4.9% to explore this mathimatical idea of primes. Here is what I got excited over.. hahha
If there is no relationship between prime numbers and no clear pattern then it is the language of Chaos because there is no ryhme nor reason to their existance except they are based on nothing but themselves... (Now Im sure a million people have thought of this). A metophor for this would be languages. Words in modern language are built off of words from previous languages. There is no ryhyme or reason why these new made up words arnt based in another language. Or at least part of the word is derived from another language. Such are prime numbers... why are there numbers that arent made up of other numbers. How can things be more complex without being based on something simpler.. evolving in a way. 2 evolves to 4 and then becomes 6 and so on. 3 and two are base one 1 which would be the single molecule that relates 2 and 3. They do have something in common.. All prime numbers evolved from 1. 2, 3, 5, 7 evolved from one. What makes a single celled creature become more? How does it decide what it will be? and when does it start to evolve. Can we predict the end of evolution? When will things cease to change. Once every cell has mutated to its fullest ability what will happen? These are all questions that are related to finding a formula for Prime Numbers. Once the evolution of that new cell begins it can then become more complex such as 3. 1 becomes 3, 6, 9 and so on. Ever complex number is based on a prime number. 1 is the building block of evolution and everyother prime is another spin off from one. Each new prime number is an entirely new entity and until that time it does not exist nothing else could determain that this number or entity was possible by taking anything but the first cell of evolution. Why would their be a pattern to creation. To know that pattern you would have to know what formed 1. What made the first thing. The first thing is the beginning of the universe. People speculate the size of the universe. Some people think that the universe goes on forever, and others believe that it folds in on itself creating a loop. That the end is the beginning. Therefore in the end you would always start with 1. The one constant that we can relate to everything in our demention is that it exists. It takes up time no matter how short or long. If we were ever to find a pattern in the occurance of prime numbers then they would cease to be prime because in order to be prime they can't exist anywhere else. When there is a pattern there is repition of some kind, and there would cease to be another prime number

I am a Free Woman

I am a Free Woman!!!!
I made it through the entire summer and the children are back in school! Now all I have to do is make it through the birthdays in September and I am home free! Wooo hoo!
This week is my relaxation week.. Do nothing! Today I plan on watching two girlie movies while the boys are at school and pampering myself.
I have so many plans for this school year: Take advantage of my gym membership, Get creative, join an art group that meets on Wednesdays from 9 till 3, therapy with a wonderful woman who looks like a hippy and really seems to be in tune with what she does (we are going to work on relaxation techniques) Alexanders speech and communication board, being part of his school almost like a room mother and planning special activities for the class. I am sure there is more. Im quite stoked about it!
I have really been doing some interesting entries in my Guerrilla Journal. Working on really covering the pages and trying different techniques that I have read about. My camera battery died so I havent been able to take some pictures to up-load.
My head dr gave me prescriptions for 3 months. That means I am doing really well. I am determined for it to stay that way!
I absolutely love reading the artistic blogs by the multi media artists. Wonderful and Positive!

Appointments & Guilt

I havent written anything in awhile so I felt like I needed to sit down and put some thoughts on "paper". Actually I havent been doing much of anything. I did clean the house yesterday. I try to get that done every monday because the weekends tend to make the house look like the tasmanian devil came through. Creatively I have let myself slip.
This week is very busy with Alexanders appointments. One everyday this week starting with today, Speech and Ot. He sreams the entire time he is in the back and most of the other parents coming in make comments along these lines, "sounds like they are killing a child back there." I smile and tell them its my son to make sure that there are no derogatory remarks that follow. I dont care if they say something when I cant hear it. I just dont want to be privy them. I was called into the back by the speech therapist. She is using a picture communication system with him and if he has any hope of being able to communicate with him he needs the same system at home. I've known this for a while and the guilt of not making it happen is huge. Ill I have to do is go around and make pictures of everything in his life. Sounds simple enough. In fact the creative person in me should relish such a project. I don't. It seems so daunting. They also want me to take Brynmor out of school to bring him to speech and I have to say up front .. that's not happening. No no no No!
After speech we went to Toys R Us. Osric purchased a power miner lego with his allowance (I got suckered into paying the tax). I bought Alexander a Mr. Potato Head. I think we can do some great activities with him. Not to mention its always fun to have his arm sticking out of his ear and his hat in his mouth! Then off to Sams for Pizza. Alexander was "all done" as soon as we got there. We did manage to get him to eat some of his pizza but he really wasn't interested and Osric and I ended up having to devour ours on the fly. He screamed all the way home because we didn't go to the "ta-da" which means book store.
My head has been in a state of confusion. I try to focus on one thing and it jumps to another. Never landing on anything long enough to complete it. I cant read. I read the same paragraph over and over trying to absorb it and just end up getting frustrated. Normally this means that there is something wrong with the mood stabilizer.
When Alexanders helper gets here I hope to do something productive. I'm at a loss for what I could accomplish even though the list is long.

Excited and Inspired

I am so excited! I bought a new book about extreme journaling online and it is coming today! Yehhhh! I just finished reading one called Journal Revolution. It is interesting to see someone else's style and know that yours is completely different. Obviously there is no bad journaling. Capturing life in the moment, but there is a difference between journaling and scrapbooking. This book tried to blur the lines and it felt like they lost a lot of emotion in the process. I did learn some really cool techniques though! Photo booth pictures created with regular cameras, Now this was cool! They also suggested taking your camera everywhere. Something that I used to do but have long since replaced it with to do lists and money. I want to get back to finding entertainment within myself instead of using cash. Everyday moments that inspire me. When I look for them I see them in so many places. Architecture of different houses is really grabbing me right now. The houses in downtown are so wonderful. Built with charm and character. Anything built before 1950. My house is functional. Meets the needs I have. Open I can see the children in every direction. Perfect for this moment in my life.. but it doesn't speak to me. Trying to make it more of a representation of me.
Going downtown allows me to dream.

Madness takes Shape

I really love this journal entry. I had a lot of pent up anger and anxiety and I just let it flow onto the page. The day had been especially long with the children and I needed to escape. This is the first time I have used this method to release myself. It was wonderful! The red and yellow discribe the burning feeling in my chest and the duct tape is so perfect. It repersents the feeling of being bound. The black lines are trapping the madness in the book. I let it go and emerged from my personal hell. A fresh soul ~ purged!

Room Without A View

Eight pills in the morning, three pills at night and still I'm on the edge of a cliff. I drive down Scenic highway and think how easy it would be to just fly through the bushes and into the air off the cliff.. suspended in time until I either crash into the bay or on the jagged rocks below. This is a thought that has plagued me for some time. It was the idea that came to mind a year ago. So easy to just not make the turn. It's a long way down.
I'm sitting here at the computer my head in my hands wondering why I have to feel such overwhelming hurt. Ten Pills and I am a basket case. The psychiatrist never called my husband back.
I'm still able to take care of the kids for the most part. The house is a disaster because I have been spending the time cleaning out all of the nooks and crannies. I hate clutter. I hate nick knacks and things that aren't in a place for a reason. I've been throwing everything in the garage. At this point we can barely walk through there. I honestly don't even care what is out there. Sell it throw it away, but get it the fuck out of here! I feel like if i can rid the house of unnecessary items it will clear my mind of chaos.
I enjoyed my time with my mother yesterday. She was actually refreshing. I talked to her about the Dog and why it bothered me. She understood finally and told me she would never let anyone bring over an animal that terrorized him. So we just closed the door to the room and he couldn't stare under the bed at them.
Alexander's helper and I talked about using the extra hours that we have for him, so that we don't lose them. There could always be a time in the future when we need all 36 hours a week.
I keep thinking about the next house we are going to build and at the moment we are stuck in this one. Because of the housing market the damn thing has depreciated 40k since we bought it two yrs ago. Very frustrating considering there are so many things I would change. My husband refuses to spend any money creating a studio in the backyard for me. I do have a room in the house, but it is so dark in there. One window and the sun never hits it. Still I do have the room. I'm actually quite sure we could build something that could be moved to our next house, as long as it isn't built on a concrete foundation. I want windows and windows.
WJC is offering a few art classes that I would really enjoy this fall. Photography, Sewing and a collage class that I am interested in just to meet other like minded people in the area. I would also like to take a psychology class. A bit of an odd combination, but I have so much to offer in the mental health field and the only way to share it is a degree in social work, or a masters in Psychology. I think the only aspect about psychology that would be new would be the physiology of the diseases. Studying the physical mind. I'm not sure they do to much of this either.
Dreams, ideas and goals that keep me going. Keep me focused that there is another side to life. To be able to share with people who are in pain the aspect of art and the therapy it provides. A positive outlet that so many people need. Something I was actually thinking about the other day is one of the biggest problems for people with mental illness is cutting. Hurting themselves to feel that they are alive. I thought of an activity that would deter that need. Permanent markers to draw and write the way you are feeling, but instead of on paper using your skin as a pallet. Express the feelings in a physical way. Deface your body allowing yourself to write whatever you are feeling. I don't know if this would work, but if you can't wash it right off it is there when you get that feeling again. humm.. the idea needs work, but I have many ideas that I could use in a mental institution setting that would be cathartic. I have theses ideas because I have been there. Art Therapy!!!

Unfounded Anger

I want to cry but there are no tears. I am hurting inside. I want to disappear.

The helper comes, but she lets Alexander do things that upset me. She wont take him to the book store and Im not sure why.. its in her job discription. She is supposed to do everything. Personal care, playtime, and outings. Why the hell does she think she comes.... to sit around and then talk to me about what is going on in her business. I dont think so. But how can you be rude to the person that is watching your kid. Not a smart thing to do.

On top of that my mother is going to take Osric bowling, but then she asked if she could bring her dog. Wth is that about. I get time to myself, but I have to watch her dog. The stupid dog terrorizes my cats. Its very uncool. I know if I brought a great dane to her house that chased her dog all over the place and made him upset she would discourage it. But she will bring the dog and I will try not to act pissed.

My husband called the damn Psychiatrist to tell him I am feeling bad.. so what does the lady do.. she says he has an open appointment at 1:30. What is the point in calling him if I am just told to come in. It doesnt make any sense. Can he not do anything over the phone. I swear they dont help. So I cant make it cause I have to take Alexander to speech

Guerrilla Journaling

In the trenches... My mind is overflowing with thoughts of how to take myself to the next level of self-awareness. Colors flashing in my mind: full bodied red, extreme pink, luscious green, lazy blue all flowing onto my pallet of meditative brilliance. Bumpy paint chips as the base, tearing and adhering an envelope sent from an old friend, the page from a trashy novel, paint, paint pens, glue and stencils fly around the pages taking the form of an intimate moment of time. And then the words, pen endlessly dancing across the collage of life filling in the gaps. My future, dreams of things to come, pain from what has occurred and the poignant now. Words that can not be discerned once they are on the page. Thoughts that I don't share with the world covered by creativity. A private sanctuary where I escape to purge my mind of everything negative, explore the future in detail with lists and images and to make sense of the here and now. Lightening the load that I carry through the peaks and valleys. Filling myself with positivity that only comes from understanding the world around me. The how and whys of life. Finding meaning in the stuff that gets my hands dirty. Recognizing how important the little things are. A safe place where I can do no wrong. This is guerrilla journaling.

Word of the Day ~ July 23, 2009

Pother (noun) - 1. A state of nervous activity; a fuss. 2. To make confused; trouble; worry. 3. To be overly concerned with trifles; fuss.

And We're Off...

Its 6am. We've been up since 4:30. He is crying because I wont put a different movie in the dvd. He has gotten really bad about wanting to change his movies every 2 to 3 mins. I have to put my foot down and he has to get his feelings hurt to understand. Warm coffee in my hands with 5 splenda's and two creams. It's a very large cup that says, "Dad-- the local branch of the money tree," I love it! I'm not supposed to indulge in caffeine. I swear all of the good things are bad for you! I'm not going to give up coffee unless it kills me. It does make my heart race and sometimes causes panic attacks, but other then those two things and bad breath, its a gift from the gods!
My house looks like the carnival came to visit. Popcorn everywhere and stuff thrown about like we've been on the highlander. The ride that spins around really fast throwing you to one side of the car and then going backwards throwing you to the other side. You always lose something on those rides, scarf, shoe, hat, or worse. The worse was cleaned up immediately, but the other things are waiting until right before we have house guests.
We have a long day today. That always frightens me and makes me ill at ease. Alexander's helper is not coming this afternoon. We have a speech evaluation and I have to pick up some head meds. That means going to the store with the maniac. It could be an uneventful trip, but most likely we will have a bit of yelling, stomping and if we are lucky he might even throw a fit on the floor. He isn't a brat. He just doesn't understand anything like we do. I'm not sure he understands everything we say. Such as; you have that CD in the car, or that book at home. Stand up Alexander! Holding his hand, head forward with a smile on my face as he distracts every patron in the store. What's interesting is that people think he is just a regular child throwing a fit. I don't think it looks like anything a regular child would do. Especially when Osric is standing there the pentacle of well behaved children and Alexander is screaming on the floor. I must say does it look like you should come up to me and give me parenting advice? Most of the time I take it well. Say he is Autistic and overstimulated. They say, "I'm so sorry," head down tail between their legs. But then there are other times when I just can't take it. Ive been pushed as far as I can go. I'm frustrated with the situation and the people staring are easy targets. "What the hell are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen an Autistic child before?" when I say that it just makes me feel worse and the people don't learn anymore compassion because they have just been chastised and insulted. That is definitely not the way to make people more compassionate or aware of Autism. They make t-shirts that say wonderful things: "If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart." "What, Is my autism showing." "I have autism, Whats your excuse?" "I don't need parenting advice unless you have a child with autism." and so many more that are great. They even have cards you can hand out to people that are staring or confronting you. Integration for special needs kids is so important. Its their world to. They just don't understand all of it.
It's time for me to clean the child's room, 6:30 am and my day is in full swing.

Doldrums

I feel like shit this morning. I want to cry. My chest is tight. I want to go to my room, close the curtains and crawl back into bed. I want to be in the dark. Quiet and alone and not responsible for anyone. I hate this pendulum. Swinging from one side to the other. Feeling crazy all of the time. Knowing people think I'm crazy. Wanting more from life and knowing there may never come a time when I can have it. I'm not sure where I am. What I can do to get past this. Leaving the house could help.
**********************************
It didn't help. I took Alexander to Books-a-million and Sam's for pizza and I feel even worse. That feeling of tired helplessness. I don't understand the rapid cycling. Why go from manic to depressed in a matter of hours. How does that happen. Chemicals in your brain? Why do I understand what is going on. Wouldn't it be better if I was oblivious. Not able to comprehend what is going on? Ignorance is bliss is it not. At least when i became cognoscente again I would have no memory of this emotional destruction. The question then is. Would I be gone forever. Lost in my own mind.
Alexanders helper comes at one today. Its noon. Osric is at camp. I will sleep for an hour see if that helps. Maybe I will wake up in better sorts.
I hate cooking dinner. I hate eating dinner. I hate having designated times to eat. With a family there is no choice though. I feed them too many sandwiches and crappy fast food as it is. Even when I cook I feel like a failure. I don't cook veggies, no one eats them. They don't like salad either and I have lost interest in it myself. I would never make meat if I could get away with it. Then I am told I don't buy enough groceries. That there is nothing good in the house to eat. When I ask what I need to buy. There is no answer. Seriously! We have chips, cookies, tuna fish, meat in the freezer, rice, pasta and couscous. Sometimes we run out of something, but its not like we can't run to the store and pick it up. We have a grocery store less than 5 minutes away. Doesn't he know how bad it makes me feel when he says "I don't know what you've been doing with your money, but it sure isn't buying groceries." Or he says, "When are you going shopping we have nothing in the house." When I suggest that he take the money and grocery shop so there will be specific things in the house. He doesn't want to. I tell him how bad it makes me feel. He apologizes and then does it again the next week. For awhile I was spending $325 on groceries a week just so I didn't have to hear it. Does that make sense at all? That's $1400 on food a month. Most people spend $25 a person per week. That comes to $400 a month for a family of 4. It makes me sick.
Don't get me wrong... I know how wonderful my husband is. I know he puts up with a banshee. That he is understanding and compassionate. He has stood by me when no other man would have. I am so blessed. He just forgets how badly little thing can mess me up.
I woke up in the middle of the night last week having a panic attack. Alexander had gotten me up and it just triggered something. I couldn't calm down. It felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn't stop it. Everything was wrong. I was shaking, my breathing was shallow and rapid. He got Alexander back in bed and came back. He rubbed my back and stroked my head until I felt better. He understood.
So here I am. Being absolutely ridiculous about stuff that really isn't that important. Letting the guilt saturate me when all it does is make me so tired. I need to crawl into bed. My eyes are droopy. I must wait until Alexanders helper gets here. I always feel bad when I go off to bed in the middle of the day. The doctor says I shouldn't feel bad. That I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Its not hurting anything. It just seems so lazy. There is one of the major problems with depression. From the outside looking in. It looks like the person is just a lazy no good slob of a person, laundry piles up, the house is a wreak, there is no dinner on the table, and I'm still in pajamas at 4 in the afternoon. People don't even understand once they find out you are Bipolar. It doesn't register. They say, "Get your mind off of your troubles. Don't just lay there and wallow get up and move. Take a walk, mop the floor.. blah blah blah." They don't understand that its overwhelming. It feels like a mountain that is the size of Everest.

I Didn't Sign Up For This

I never realized there would be a point at which you can get used to poop. The repugnant smell and the grewling task of removing it from porus surfaces just seems impossible to embrace. Ive been wrong about so many things in this life. So many times I have been forced to deal with things that I didnt sign up for. There should be a natural law against ones ability to produce such messes, and yet there isnt! Stain and Odor remover, dishrags and carpet cleaners are a part of my everyday life and not because I get paid to clean.

Word of the Day ~ July 20, 2009

Pastiche (noun) - A hodgepodge; an incongruous combination of different styles and ingredients.