Beginnning Again

In 2012, on a dismal day in September, my Psychiatrist looked at me and said, "I've done everything I can for you. You need to learn to live with your fatigue, depression and obesity. Your husband will have to take up the slack. There is nothing more I can do." It took me about a week to decide- if I had to be miserable, I was going to be miserable off of medication. The next time I saw him I told him I wanted to get off of as many medications as possible. I was on nine prescriptions, six of which were psychotropic.

The last time I took an anti-depressant was January 15, 2013. Since that last dose I have been trying to regulate my moods with behavior modification techniques and a GFCF diet. It's been a long hard journey, but rewarding. I've lost 100 pounds and proved that the medications I was taking were not helping me. It allowed me to address hormonal issues, and look to physical maladies to explain my mood fluctuations. Unfortunately, I am still just surviving, so when a trip to the geneticist brought up anti-depressants I began to think maybe it is time to try something again.

My most successful time mentally was in 2003 when I was on a dairy free diet. I was taking Wellbutrin and Lamictal. I thought I would start there. Yesterday I went to my psychiatrist, and asked for Wellbutrin. I took the first dose last night- 150mg. It's a low dose. My psychiatrist told me it will take 6 weeks to see the results of taking this particular medication, but I tend to see results of any medication almost immediately. I don't know why- Whether it's my metabolic rate, or if I'm super sensitive to chemicals, but I tend to know in a day or two if something is going to be harmful or helpful.

I woke up this morning feeling even more apathetic towards life in general. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt more guilt about not wanting to interact with Alexander. I'm more sad as well.

Lee made me some lunch, and I tried taking a hot bath; but- I just feel "done, tired of fighting." I'm not sure if this is a result of the medication, or if I was already at the breaking point before seeing the doctor.

I can't imagine that the Wellbutrin is going to work now. I think the medications must add to the depression some how; but only time will reveal if this was a downward spiral I was already on, or if the medication pushed me here. I have a good idea of what the doctor would say. It involves giving the medication "enough time to work" and even upping the dose.

I'm hurting mentally and physically. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I want to get better. I want the pain to go away. I want to be living instead of surviving. I want to enjoy life instead of enduing it.