Doldrums

I feel like shit this morning. I want to cry. My chest is tight. I want to go to my room, close the curtains and crawl back into bed. I want to be in the dark. Quiet and alone and not responsible for anyone. I hate this pendulum. Swinging from one side to the other. Feeling crazy all of the time. Knowing people think I'm crazy. Wanting more from life and knowing there may never come a time when I can have it. I'm not sure where I am. What I can do to get past this. Leaving the house could help.
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It didn't help. I took Alexander to Books-a-million and Sam's for pizza and I feel even worse. That feeling of tired helplessness. I don't understand the rapid cycling. Why go from manic to depressed in a matter of hours. How does that happen. Chemicals in your brain? Why do I understand what is going on. Wouldn't it be better if I was oblivious. Not able to comprehend what is going on? Ignorance is bliss is it not. At least when i became cognoscente again I would have no memory of this emotional destruction. The question then is. Would I be gone forever. Lost in my own mind.
Alexanders helper comes at one today. Its noon. Osric is at camp. I will sleep for an hour see if that helps. Maybe I will wake up in better sorts.
I hate cooking dinner. I hate eating dinner. I hate having designated times to eat. With a family there is no choice though. I feed them too many sandwiches and crappy fast food as it is. Even when I cook I feel like a failure. I don't cook veggies, no one eats them. They don't like salad either and I have lost interest in it myself. I would never make meat if I could get away with it. Then I am told I don't buy enough groceries. That there is nothing good in the house to eat. When I ask what I need to buy. There is no answer. Seriously! We have chips, cookies, tuna fish, meat in the freezer, rice, pasta and couscous. Sometimes we run out of something, but its not like we can't run to the store and pick it up. We have a grocery store less than 5 minutes away. Doesn't he know how bad it makes me feel when he says "I don't know what you've been doing with your money, but it sure isn't buying groceries." Or he says, "When are you going shopping we have nothing in the house." When I suggest that he take the money and grocery shop so there will be specific things in the house. He doesn't want to. I tell him how bad it makes me feel. He apologizes and then does it again the next week. For awhile I was spending $325 on groceries a week just so I didn't have to hear it. Does that make sense at all? That's $1400 on food a month. Most people spend $25 a person per week. That comes to $400 a month for a family of 4. It makes me sick.
Don't get me wrong... I know how wonderful my husband is. I know he puts up with a banshee. That he is understanding and compassionate. He has stood by me when no other man would have. I am so blessed. He just forgets how badly little thing can mess me up.
I woke up in the middle of the night last week having a panic attack. Alexander had gotten me up and it just triggered something. I couldn't calm down. It felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn't stop it. Everything was wrong. I was shaking, my breathing was shallow and rapid. He got Alexander back in bed and came back. He rubbed my back and stroked my head until I felt better. He understood.
So here I am. Being absolutely ridiculous about stuff that really isn't that important. Letting the guilt saturate me when all it does is make me so tired. I need to crawl into bed. My eyes are droopy. I must wait until Alexanders helper gets here. I always feel bad when I go off to bed in the middle of the day. The doctor says I shouldn't feel bad. That I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Its not hurting anything. It just seems so lazy. There is one of the major problems with depression. From the outside looking in. It looks like the person is just a lazy no good slob of a person, laundry piles up, the house is a wreak, there is no dinner on the table, and I'm still in pajamas at 4 in the afternoon. People don't even understand once they find out you are Bipolar. It doesn't register. They say, "Get your mind off of your troubles. Don't just lay there and wallow get up and move. Take a walk, mop the floor.. blah blah blah." They don't understand that its overwhelming. It feels like a mountain that is the size of Everest.