My Party

"Hey do you have a sec?"
"I would like to invite you to my pity party."
"I am being serious."
"You would like to know what you should bring? How about baggage from the love of your life that dumped you, or the weight of your parents ruining your life, or maybe something that just eats you up inside everyday.
"Oh come on now you've got to come up with something worse than that!"
"Yes it will be fun. There will be streamers and balloons. Hell we can even play pin the tale on the jackass, and of course I'll have snacks."
"Absolutely, those little pigs in a blanket. Just show up and wallow in your shortcomings and the awful things that life has thrown at you. Hey, one other thing, bring something you can burn."
"No you can't burn your ex-husband, but maybe you still have something of his? Bring something you want to let go of.
"Yes I know how dangerous fires can be, but you can brave the danger for one evening, for me. Anyway, when you throw your thing in the fire and you will be free from the magic it has over you."
"So what if I read this in 'Witchcraft for Dummies' its a legitimate book. Remember I saw you reading.. well anyway we both know what you were reading. So you'll come?
"Oh, Its on Saturday."
"Yes I know that is my birthday. We are killing two birds with one stone."
"Maybe killing wasn't the right word to use, but you know what I mean. Just show up at six."
"Okay, I look forward to seeing you ."
"Fruitloop?! I told you to stop calling me that."
"I love you too."
"Bye"
Oh fuck this shit, who the hell am I kidding. A Pity Party. That is for people who don't really have problems. People with choices. For me...Give me a bottle of cheap wine and a few xanax that will make it all better! Its the only thing that takes away the pain, anxiety, the impending doom. Wait, I'm not allowed to take xanax or indulge in adult beverages.
I wallow. Soaking myself in the horror of my life. The endless supply of bodily fluids. Constant screaming that reaches up to my skull and shakes my brain. Crying, whining, pulling, smacking. Cleaning Cleaning Cleaning. Going out in public and having people stare in annoyance. This is my whole life "people" fucking get over it. Who are they kidding "integration". The general population believes in infanticide they just don't admit it to themselves or at least to others. In their world all imperfections can be eliminated. Their motto, "Survival of the fittest." Screw you, you overweight, undereducated, opinionated pig. I live it. I am the beginning and the end. The rest of my life will be dictated through the irrational stances of politicians who pick side just so they can get into office. Cure? Not in our lifetime. There is too much money to be made in patching the problem. Fixing it would be less profitable. Do you know how many people would be out of business, doctors, pharmaceutical companies, therapists, government agency's. Money is power. The people with the money have the power. The people with the power elect more people to make them money. No way someone is going to fuck with the hand that feeds him.
I had dreams and plans. What about them? I may be filled with hate and loathing, but it cant diminish how much I love. him. I will give everything up for him. I don't have to like it and I might fight to still live a dream. I can have pity parties that involve wallowing in the pig sty of life. But in the end, he will come to me and I will look into his deep blue eyes and see his unconditional love he holds inside, his trust. That sparkle of innocence that I will never allow to be taken away from him. He belongs to me and regardless of the way things turn out my real goal in life is to never let him down!