Friday, July 31, 2009

Room Without A View

Eight pills in the morning, three pills at night and still I'm on the edge of a cliff. I drive down Scenic highway and think how easy it would be to just fly through the bushes and into the air off the cliff.. suspended in time until I either crash into the bay or on the jagged rocks below. This is a thought that has plagued me for some time. It was the idea that came to mind a year ago. So easy to just not make the turn. It's a long way down.
I'm sitting here at the computer my head in my hands wondering why I have to feel such overwhelming hurt. Ten Pills and I am a basket case. The psychiatrist never called my husband back.
I'm still able to take care of the kids for the most part. The house is a disaster because I have been spending the time cleaning out all of the nooks and crannies. I hate clutter. I hate nick knacks and things that aren't in a place for a reason. I've been throwing everything in the garage. At this point we can barely walk through there. I honestly don't even care what is out there. Sell it throw it away, but get it the fuck out of here! I feel like if i can rid the house of unnecessary items it will clear my mind of chaos.
I enjoyed my time with my mother yesterday. She was actually refreshing. I talked to her about the Dog and why it bothered me. She understood finally and told me she would never let anyone bring over an animal that terrorized him. So we just closed the door to the room and he couldn't stare under the bed at them.
Alexander's helper and I talked about using the extra hours that we have for him, so that we don't lose them. There could always be a time in the future when we need all 36 hours a week.
I keep thinking about the next house we are going to build and at the moment we are stuck in this one. Because of the housing market the damn thing has depreciated 40k since we bought it two yrs ago. Very frustrating considering there are so many things I would change. My husband refuses to spend any money creating a studio in the backyard for me. I do have a room in the house, but it is so dark in there. One window and the sun never hits it. Still I do have the room. I'm actually quite sure we could build something that could be moved to our next house, as long as it isn't built on a concrete foundation. I want windows and windows.
WJC is offering a few art classes that I would really enjoy this fall. Photography, Sewing and a collage class that I am interested in just to meet other like minded people in the area. I would also like to take a psychology class. A bit of an odd combination, but I have so much to offer in the mental health field and the only way to share it is a degree in social work, or a masters in Psychology. I think the only aspect about psychology that would be new would be the physiology of the diseases. Studying the physical mind. I'm not sure they do to much of this either.
Dreams, ideas and goals that keep me going. Keep me focused that there is another side to life. To be able to share with people who are in pain the aspect of art and the therapy it provides. A positive outlet that so many people need. Something I was actually thinking about the other day is one of the biggest problems for people with mental illness is cutting. Hurting themselves to feel that they are alive. I thought of an activity that would deter that need. Permanent markers to draw and write the way you are feeling, but instead of on paper using your skin as a pallet. Express the feelings in a physical way. Deface your body allowing yourself to write whatever you are feeling. I don't know if this would work, but if you can't wash it right off it is there when you get that feeling again. humm.. the idea needs work, but I have many ideas that I could use in a mental institution setting that would be cathartic. I have theses ideas because I have been there. Art Therapy!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment