I'm not sure if I am manic or just feeling good? Its always so worrisome to feel this way. I start enjoying life. Being happy about what is going on. I want to think it is going to last. I am needing less sleep though and I am pretty obsessed with being creative. I jump from writing to painting, journaling and thinking about all the other things that I could jump into. I lie awake at night thinking about all of the projects that I want to. I think about my cottage and the idea of going back to school to get my masters in Psychology. I have ideas about the grand future that is ahead if I can just stick to my plans. If I don't fall back into the doldrums of depression. Its scary. Or I could go full blown manic. I get irritable and start hating everyone around me. Noises get to loud and lights get to bright and I retreat to a dark corner my anxiety becomes overwhelming and I cant venture out of the house. I cant communicate with anyone. I lose touch with the world with my friends and family. They think that I am being selfish and that I don't want to talk to them... I think of everyone often, but the idea of having to engage in social activities scares the hell out of me.
My head Dr. appointment is today. Ive got to tell him Ive changed the dose on my Lexapro without consulting with him. This is what doctors call non compliance and it drives them crazy. They think you should check with them on everything. They are truly idiots. They don't know any more than I do about what the med will do to me. They are only guessing except they have the degree to back it up. Well Ive got the illness and the brain it is attached to. I know when something is working. When the anxiety lets up and when I feeling a bit normal. The more SSRI I take the better I feel. So much better that I start cleaning the house. The laundry gets done. I leave the house. Then I start to shop. Reasonably at first. Next I'm obsessing about buying books or art supplies. I get coupons and have to use them. $100 at Michael's, $150 on clothes, $80 on books. I have to start dipping into the checking account because I am exceeding my allotted weekly "allowance". I can't stop. I think of other things I need. I have to have.
Right now I am not quite at that point. I can still control myself. I have obsessive thoughts but still have a grip on myself. I know what I am doing. Reality hasn't completely altered. I did lay in bed last night until midnight. The less sleep I get the more likely I am to go manic. But this feels so good. The staying up feels good... the longer I stay up the more energy I have. The more I am able to accomplish. Thoughts going. I am so creative, so brilliant. Everyone loves me. I am the life of the party. Writing it makes it sound so ridiculous.
But what do I tell the Dr. Do I tell him I'm feeling good. Will he let me keep taking my extra Lexapro? I worry.
Control is so important. Knowing your limitations. But what happens when you start to go overboard. Thinking you are amazing. That you can do anything. Getting up in the middle of the night to paint, to journal, to write.
I cut my hair again. I was so frustrated and felt so bad. I was standing in front of the mirror and I looked at the summer growth from last year. I haven't been out in the sun, so it was dark from the winter growth. I brought in my scissors. Looked at where the two colors met and started snipping. Taking off about 10 inches at a time. Again it made me feel better, lighter, happier. I cut and cut until I had taken all of the really blond hair off. I put it in a gallon bag and it filled it up. I couldn't throw it away. Is the same as cutting. As watching the blood spill out of my body I am altering myself in a fit of anger and it is relieving the feeling. This is bad! Very Bad. I don't have much hair left so what will I do next. Pull a Britney Spears and shave it bald? Piercing body parts or my face. Or something as extreme as using my exacto knife to relieve the pressure in my chest that is from uncontrollable sadness, anger or anxiety. Hopefully I wont become that blind to my illness. Irrational. I worry. I wonder how I will know I am getting that crazy.
I sit and write and think and write. I don't know where I am in my head. What do I tell the doctor? Its important that I share this before I make a big mistake.
My head Dr. appointment is today. Ive got to tell him Ive changed the dose on my Lexapro without consulting with him. This is what doctors call non compliance and it drives them crazy. They think you should check with them on everything. They are truly idiots. They don't know any more than I do about what the med will do to me. They are only guessing except they have the degree to back it up. Well Ive got the illness and the brain it is attached to. I know when something is working. When the anxiety lets up and when I feeling a bit normal. The more SSRI I take the better I feel. So much better that I start cleaning the house. The laundry gets done. I leave the house. Then I start to shop. Reasonably at first. Next I'm obsessing about buying books or art supplies. I get coupons and have to use them. $100 at Michael's, $150 on clothes, $80 on books. I have to start dipping into the checking account because I am exceeding my allotted weekly "allowance". I can't stop. I think of other things I need. I have to have.
Right now I am not quite at that point. I can still control myself. I have obsessive thoughts but still have a grip on myself. I know what I am doing. Reality hasn't completely altered. I did lay in bed last night until midnight. The less sleep I get the more likely I am to go manic. But this feels so good. The staying up feels good... the longer I stay up the more energy I have. The more I am able to accomplish. Thoughts going. I am so creative, so brilliant. Everyone loves me. I am the life of the party. Writing it makes it sound so ridiculous.
But what do I tell the Dr. Do I tell him I'm feeling good. Will he let me keep taking my extra Lexapro? I worry.
Control is so important. Knowing your limitations. But what happens when you start to go overboard. Thinking you are amazing. That you can do anything. Getting up in the middle of the night to paint, to journal, to write.
I cut my hair again. I was so frustrated and felt so bad. I was standing in front of the mirror and I looked at the summer growth from last year. I haven't been out in the sun, so it was dark from the winter growth. I brought in my scissors. Looked at where the two colors met and started snipping. Taking off about 10 inches at a time. Again it made me feel better, lighter, happier. I cut and cut until I had taken all of the really blond hair off. I put it in a gallon bag and it filled it up. I couldn't throw it away. Is the same as cutting. As watching the blood spill out of my body I am altering myself in a fit of anger and it is relieving the feeling. This is bad! Very Bad. I don't have much hair left so what will I do next. Pull a Britney Spears and shave it bald? Piercing body parts or my face. Or something as extreme as using my exacto knife to relieve the pressure in my chest that is from uncontrollable sadness, anger or anxiety. Hopefully I wont become that blind to my illness. Irrational. I worry. I wonder how I will know I am getting that crazy.
I sit and write and think and write. I don't know where I am in my head. What do I tell the doctor? Its important that I share this before I make a big mistake.
When I am feeling particularly creative it becomes all consuming. It keeps me up at night, wakes me with ideas. I lay there waiting for my mind to settle, to calm myself back to sleep. If I don't get up and just work, to clear my head and get it out of my system, it can take hours to fall back asleep. My most fruitful periods of creativity can also be the most frustrating. But then again, when things are mellow, like right now, I wonder why I am not doing more work. Ahhh, the creative process.
ReplyDeleteas the saying goes, with madness comes creativity. i feel every ounce of emotion you put into that post and I am going back and forth with my own moods, daily, sometimes hourly. Its confusing, overstimulating, exhausting, but exhilarating at times. -Lex
ReplyDelete